Where are Jeff Goldblum and Dennis Quaid?

There are those autumn films that you spend the entire summer anticipating. Roland Emmerich's '2012' fell into that category for me. I have long been a fan of the way Centropolis destroy global landmarks, and after the prehistoric '1000BC' (his first film to take it's title from a year) I felt like I was owed some grand scale demolition. 'Independence Day' and 'The Day After Tomorrow' were both enjoyable, and the most obvious elements from both of those are on display for the majority of '2012's 158-minute running time. Unfortunately, that's not necessarily a good thing.

While the relationship between Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal was respectably believable in 'TDAT', the bonds that are formed and said goodbye to in Emmerich's lastest outing are 'Hollywood' at the best of times, with many of the exchanges representative of the tepid dialogue you would find in American daytime soap operas. President Danny Glover's relationship with daughter Thandie Newton is non-existent, and top White House scientist Chiwetel Ejiofor's final conversation with his cruise ship, lounge lizard daddy is verging on laughable. There is moderate chemistry between John Cusack and Amanda Peet, but in the true spirit of things there are kids and animals involved which always means pathetic Hallmark moments in the face of impending doom. In this case there are Cusack's estranged son and daughter, the family of a fat cat Russian billionaire and a little dog named Caesar. Following the literal collapse of California, I found myself willing the film on between grandiose special effects sequences.

That being what it is, the visual accomplishments are worth the price of admission to see this film. While I'm a sucker for a screenplay, I'm sure there are a lot of people who will ignore the points made above and thoroughly enjoy this film for what it is. With a movie like this, that's probably what you should be doing. I know I certainly defended '2012' before it's release, remarking that I was sure to enjoy it on the effects laden scenes alone. Admittedly, I did, but when at least 90 minutes of the film are weighed down with pithy, end-of-all-things sensitivity you tend to get a bit fidgety. Thankfully, we are blessed with a forest-dwelling, conspiracy theorist radio DJ played by Woody Harrelson (and what a 2009 it's been for him with 'The Messenger' still to be released in the UK).

Even when the film begins to climax, you can't help but laugh at the fact that the fate of a quarter of the entire remaining human race depends on John Cusack (little boy in tow, 'cause they made up, you see!) removing a tiny piece of machinery stuck in the engine cogs needed to close the back door of an 'ark' that is about five times the size of the Titanic. The logistics just don't add up. It's stupid, really. All this filmed through budget filter lenses that trick you at first into thinking you are viewing something of a higher definition, but after two and a half hours ends up feeling like a really long network premiere. Ironic, consdering that a '2012' miniseries follow up is already in the works (spare me).

Prepare to have your jaw dropped, but don't expect much else if you can help it.